


The Selfie Incident

by cosmictorches



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Climbing Class, Dick Pics, F/F, F/M, Gay Bullshit, M/M, Multi, Pining, Texting, The Events of the Video Game Were Actually Josh's First Movie and Everyone is Happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-10 00:48:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12900411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmictorches/pseuds/cosmictorches
Summary: Josh Washington is in love with his best friend, and has been for about 10 years. But today is the day that he finally does something about it....It just takes five other people, twelve hours, and an entire jar of coconut oil.It is a day of friendship, dick pics, and gay bullshit. (Let Sam rest. Please.)





	The Selfie Incident

**Author's Note:**

> Sam = Sam / Josh = Josh Wash / Jess = Jess <3 / Matt = Superstar / Em = Her Royal Highness / Ash = *~Ashley~* / Mike = MICHELANGELO / Chris = Cochise / Hannah = Thing 1 (H) / Beth = Thing 2 (B)
> 
> (Also, shoutout to @Leaveitbrii--my eyes were opened to the possibility of the fantastic polyamorous relationship between Mike, Em, Jess, and Matt by the fic "Dislocated". I have absolutely latched onto the idea of it, because it's great. Hell yeah.)
> 
> EDIT (12/12/17): I just realized that none of the italics carried over onto here, so I went through and fixed all of them. Yay, emphasis!

It didn’t start out as a group chat. In fact, originally it was just a conversation between Josh and Sam. It was a place where Josh could bitch and moan about his unending thirst for his best friend. Sam, out of everyone in their shared friend group, was the one who would judge him the least. Of course, she would still judge him a little bit, but she knew what he was going through. So she kept the teasing to a minimum.  
It was on a sunny summer morning, at approximately 10 A.M., that Sam received the following text:

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Being the supportive and caring friend she was, Sam replied:

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
What gay bullshit have you gotten yourself into now?

Josh’s reply was immediate, which was surprising considering its length. He must have been typing it before Sam even responded.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
OK so he stayed at my house last night bc we were hangin out n playin video games n it got rly late so i said he could just stay over so he DID n he slept in MY BED (he just left btw so no im not having this conversation while sitting across from him at breakfast bc im not that guy or at least i dont think i am) n what im tryin to say is i think im in love w him bc he falls asleep w his glasses on n they get all crooked n his hair gets messed up n he wears layers to bed 2 n he snores a little bit n im in love w my best friend fuck Sam what do i DO??!

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
You know, for a filmmaker and script writer, your texting is atrocious. Holy run-on, Batman. But anyway. We both already knew all of this. You’re really gay, Josh. You’re really gay for Chris. Did you finally talk to him about it?

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
OF COURSE I DIDNT TALK 2 HIM ABOUT IT WHO DO YOU THINK I AM SAMANTHA

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
You need to grow a pair and just tell him. Pining doesn’t get the job done.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
OK but how do i tell him? I cant just be like “HEY DUDE I’M IN LOVE W U AND HAVE BEEN SINCE FIFTH GRADE” like no fuck no im not doing that!

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
Have you considered… flirting?

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
Sam. U know Chris. He picks up on flirtin like Mike picks up on bein gay.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
Okay, fair… Mike didn’t figure out I was a lesbian until sophomore year, and you literally had to tell Chris that Ash liked him.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
What about a more direct approach?

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
What do u mean?

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
Well, a picture’s worth a thousand words, isn’t it?

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
R u suggestin…

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
I send him a hot pic??

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
You read my mind, down to the exact wording. Yes, I’m suggesting you send him a “hot pic.” Can you do that?

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
I think so.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
Keep me updated.

Josh sent back a thumbs-up emoji and didn’t send another text until around 2 P.M.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
[img.42963]

Sam, being the fool she was, opened up the image while out at lunch with her family. Her reaction time was of the Olympic level as the stuffed her phone into her jacket pocket and excused herself to go to the bathroom, where she did a double- and then triple-take of the picture before her. She then began furiously texting Josh back.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
JESUS H. CHRIST, JOSHUA, IS THAT YOUR DICK?!

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
Will this work??

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
In making me want to bleach my eyes and scrub all the skin off my face? Yes, it absolutely will! What the fuck are you talking about???

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
Now first of all thats nothin u havent seen b4 n we both know it. N second of all its the hot pic u were talkin about earlier. Does it work?

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
You are a goddamn mess, Joshua. NO, that will not work! What are you thinking?!

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
>:(

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
Josh. A dick pic is NOT good flirting.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
>:(((((

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
Okay, no. I can’t deal with this right now, I’m at La Ferme for lunch with my parents. We’ll finish this later.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
Nooooooooo i need ur sage advice i cant do this alone just look at me i was plannin on sendin a dick pic im not capable of handlin this situation on my own. Saaaaaaaaaaaam pleaaaaaaase.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
Tho im rly not sure why a dick pic is such a bad idea like. Care 2 explain?

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
Okay, I wasn’t kidding, I really don’t have the time for this right now. But I know someone who does. Do you mind if I add Jess to the conversation?

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
Uh… sure?

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
Let me delete a few things real quick OK. There r some things i dont want her 2 see.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
Okay, go ahead and do that. I’ll wait until you're done.

Sam left the bathroom, not wanting to have been in there for too long, and returned to her family. She waited for Josh’s reply.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam  
OK im ready. Add her.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash, Jess <3  
[SAM added JESS <3 to the conversation.]

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash, Jess <3  
Hey, Jess, it’s Sam. This is a conversation Josh and I have been having about flirting. Just read it over and explain to him why dick pics are a bad idea. Can you do that?

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam  
hey!!! i’ll definitely do what i can! dick pics are NEVER a good idea (unless asked for!). let me see what’s been going on so far, then i’ll give joshy the lowdown.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam  
also hey josh!!

From: Josh  
To: Sam, Jess <3  
Hey Jess.

With that, Sam locked her phone, stowed it deep in her jacket pocket, and returned to her lunch. It was only an hour later, when she was safe to check any messages--no matter how lewd--in the privacy of her own bedroom, that she returned to the now-group chat. Seeing the sheer number of messages made her heave a long sigh, but she simply shook her head and got to reading.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam  
okay, so. i’ve looked back through the messages. or whatever’s left of them, since it looks like a lot have been deleted (don’t worry, i completely get it).

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam  
first of all, i had no idea you liked chris!!! wtf!!! were you never going to tell me?? rude.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam  
second of all, nobody wants dick pics out of the blue. they’re the opposite of suave. sure, dicks are nice, but only irl. sending a dick pic on its own, without being asked, is gross and also makes it seem like you’re trying WAY too hard.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam  
anyway, what else are you gonna say?? like “hey, here’s my dick, i hope you like it, have a nice day”?? no. no no no. it’s a conversation killer. nobody ever knows how to respond to an unsolicited dick pic. what are you wanting them to say?? “oh hey, nice dick”?? that’s just not how it works. trust me. i get dick pics all the time.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3  
Wow Jess. Im gonna be honest, i didnt expect a full-on mini essay from u on the ethics of dick pics but i guess it was a learnin experience, so thanks?

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3  
But what do u mean u get dick pics all the time arent u, like, in the mega relationship? Do Mike n Matt just spam u w dick pics constantly?

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam  
no, i just collect them.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3  
U what.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam  
i collect dick pics. guys send them to me all the time because i’m super hot and all, and even though i’m dating three people that are hotter than they are, they still keep trying to get with me. so my phone ends up being dick pic central.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam  
i got kind of tired of it, ya know?? so i decided to have some fun. i started saving dick pics that random guys sent me, and whenever i’d get a new one, i’d send one back.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam  
but the one i’d send back would always be just a little bit bigger. to make them feel insecure. it really confused them. 90% of the guys who sent me dick pics never responded. the rest either apologized or asked me where i got the pic i sent. i didn’t respond to those.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3  
But… what do u do if some rando sends u the biggest dick yet?

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam  
oh i just photoshop one of the other dicks to look bigger than his and send that one. i then add his dick pic to my collection, and it becomes my new reigning champion. :)

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3  
Fuckin savage.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3  
N brilliant.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3  
Nnnnnn im kinda scared of u now.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam  
you weren’t already??

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3  
OK true.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3  
Now, i see what ur sayin here, but i dont think Chris has a collection of dick pics. I dont think he gets many dick pics in the first place. I dont mean 2 doubt u or insult u or anything, but how do u know that no one likes dick pics?

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam  
personal experience, mostly. i’ve never met a girl who wants dick pics.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3  
Chris isnt a girl.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam  
you don’t believe me?

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3  
Im not sayin that.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3  
Just…

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam  
you can’t always count on girls and guys liking the same things, and this distinction makes you anxious because there is the possibility that we could be wrong and a dick pic is actually the right thing to send, but none of us know because you’re inexperienced when it comes to flirting with your best friend and we’re both women?

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3  
Uhhhhhhh…

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3  
Yes.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam  
would it make you feel better to get a guy’s opinion?

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3  
Yeah, probably.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam  
okie doke!!!

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Superstar  
[JESS <3 added SUPERSTAR to the conversation.]

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Jess <3  
Bro is that your dick

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Superstar  
hey matt!!

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Superstar  
yeah that’s Josh’s dick. let me explain.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Superstar  
josh likes chris and is trying to flirt but he was wanting to send a dick pic, so sam and i told him not to, but he doesn’t fully trust our judgment on that (which is totally okay, his nervousness over it is completely understandable), so i added you so you could give him your two cents on the matter, okay?? <3 <3

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Jess <3  
Oh uh  
Okay  
Nice dick man

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3, and Superstar  
Hey man. And… thanks? Didnt mean 2 get u dragged into this 2, but here we r i guess. Welcome 2 my shitshow. I guess the cats outta the bag on this one. I like chris.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3, and Superstar  
Yeah...

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Jess <3  
Oh no I already knew that  
Youve been checking him out since forever so no worries there  
But Im here to help man so whatever you need

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3, and Superstar  
Um… thanks, i guess. Was it rly that obvious?

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Jess <3  
Yeah it kinda was

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Superstar  
what???? i had NO IDEA!! shit... i’m off my game.

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Jess <3  
No sweetheart youre fine  
Ive just spent the entirety of my childhood and teenage years in a locker room with other dudes  
Ive gotten pretty good at noticing when one guy checks out another  
Especially since sometimes I was one of the ones doing the checking

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3, and Superstar  
Gay.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Superstar  
bitch you’re the one who was just about to send your best friend a photo of your dick, you have no right to talk.

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Jess <3  
I mean  
Hes right tho

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Jess <3  
But on the topic of the dick pic  
First of all I want you to know that that is one stellar dick man  
You should be proud  
Second of all what are you thinking trying to send Chris a dick pic  
Does anyone know if Chris is even not straight?

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3, and Superstar  
1 thank u im pretty proud of my dick 2 jfc guys i didnt know NOT to send a dick pic let me live n 3 hes been my best friend since third grade n i can tell u 4 sure that this man is not straight, even if he doesnt know it yet.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Superstar  
okay matt why don’t you explain to josh why guys don’t want dick pics??

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Jess <3  
Okay so basically  
If I want to see your dick, Im gonna see it in person  
And if I cant do that, then Im gonna ask to see it  
I have to want it, it cant just be shoved in my face without any prior agreement  
Its all about consent

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3, and Superstar  
U basically just said a slightly different version of what Jess did.

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Jess <3  
From what I know, people tend to react the same way to dick pics

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Superstar  
see??

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3, and Superstar  
Yeah yeah u were right all along i shouldntve thought that sendin Chris a dick pic was a good idea in the first place blah blah blah.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3, and Superstar  
That still doesnt solve the problem of me havin no fuckin clue how to tell my best friend of 12 years that im in love w him.

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Jess <3  
Wait a minute

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3, and Superstar  
What?

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Superstar  
what???

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Jess <3  
Chris isnt single  
How has nobody thought of this until now

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Jess <3  
He and Ash are still dating right???

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3, and Superstar  
Yeah.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Superstar  
yeah.

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Jess <3  
So  
Uh  
Shouldnt this  
Like  
NOT be happening?

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3, and Superstar  
Matt do u rly think im THAT GUY.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3, and Superstar  
Ash knows about all of this like i told her about it b4 i set her n chris up shes known the whole goddamn time that ive been lustin after her bf for like 10 years n shes been surprisingly cool w it.

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Jess <3  
She let you set them up knowing that you like Chris??

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3, and Superstar  
Dude i could totally see that they liked each other n so i did what a bro does n i set that shit right up. Ash is all like “u got here first so whatever man” n we both just want Chris 2 be happy i mean thats why i set him up w her in the first place bc she made him happy and gdi i set up the guy i like w someone just bc it would make him happy thats how far gone i am what have i become. Who am i. Who is joshua washington. Fuck.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Superstar  
did we just witness a downward mental spiral through text??

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash, Jess <3, and Sam  
I think we did  
Wow  
You okay man

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3, and Superstar  
Yeah im just kinda rly pathetic, u know?

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Superstar  
love makes everyone pathetic, don’t worry!!

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Jess <3  
Babe I love you but that was not very comforting  
At all

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Superstar  
i know, i was just telling the truth. but yeah, i didn’t know about the ashley thing either. i’d been wondering how that would affect the situation, but didn’t want to ask about it until the whole dick pic debacle was out of the way…

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash, Sam, and Jess <3  
So youre sure that Ash is okay with all this?

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3, and Superstar  
Ugh yes but itd be better if u heard it from her.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam, Jess <3, and Superstar  
Wait just a sec.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
[JOSH WASH added *~ASHLEY~* to the conversation.]

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
Hey Ash so im tellin everyone about how u know i like Chris n u have ever since i first started tryin 2 get u 2 together n just 2 explain so its not a huge surprise i almost sent him a dick pic yes thats my dick im sorry u have 2 see it also i rly hope Chris isnt, like, hangin out w u rn or anything bc that could be very bad on my part so if hes w u just lock ur phone n act like nothing happened OK? Cool.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
hey ashley!! <3

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Hey Ash

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Hey, Josh!

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Hey, Jess!

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Hey, Matt! :)

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
So Chris isn’t with me RN, he’s actually at home taking a nap or something. You’re safe. :P

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
And you should also probably know that as soon as you said you were about to send Chris a dick pic I immediately scrolled up to find said dick pic. I’m only being honest with you. :1

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
He has a pretty nice dick

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
I will leave no comment other than to say that sending it to Chris would have been a bad move, as he probably wouldn’t understand it. He’d think it was a joke or something. -__-

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
and there you have it!! not one, not two, not three, but FOUR different people assuring you that sending an iphone-captured snapshot of your dick to chris is a bad idea. the truth has been spoken.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
Yeah Jess i got that around the fiftieth time i was told it was a bad idea…

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
I just… i dont know what 2 do. Its been 10 fuckin years of me likin n pinin after Chris, n nothings come of it. I almost feel like givin up. Whats the use, u know? Im not brave enough 2 tell him, n hes not perceptive enough 2 pick up on any hints im actually able 2 put down. N then theres the fact that he might not even like me the way i like him n i might ruin our friendship n then whatll i do? Hes been my best friend ever since third grade, where would i be without him? I dont want 2 ruin things between us just bc i cant keep it in my pants. I dunno guys i just feel like im not good enough 4 all this n i should just back off. Hed be happier without me comin in n makin everything more difficult w all my gay bullshit… right?

That was the most recent message, sent while Sam had been reading through the conversation leading up to it. _Well that was quite the wild ride_ , she thought, beginning to type out her response.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Don’t think like that, Josh. If any of us thought that you shouldn’t tell Chris how you feel, we would have been straightforward about it. This is difficult--he’s been your best friend for 12 years, and you’ve been dealing with having feelings for him for a long time. We all know that Chris is decidedly not good at getting hints and handling relationship- or emotion-related stuff (Ashley, I’m sure you can attest to that). Trust me, you’re not going to ruin things between the two of you. You’ve been through way too much for this to come between you. You just have to be honest with both him and yourself. That’s the only way for the both of you to be happy.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
(But if he does let this come between the two of you, I’m going to kick his ass.)

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
(Also, hi Matt and Ashley!)

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Hey

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Hey, Sam! :)

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
And Josh, Sam’s right (especially about Chris not being good at relationship stuff… but he tries!). You need to keep trying! We believe in you! <3

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
i second what sam said. josh, you shouldn’t give up on this now. i’m sorry for heckling you about the dick pic. but since it has been fully decided that a dick pic is a no-go, now we can move on and think of a better plan!!!

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
The original plan was for Josh to send Chris a nice selfie. That should still work.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
That was the original plan??

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
Also thank u guys. Im kind of a mess right now n ur support (even in something as weird n gay n trivial as this) is rly appreciated. U all know how i can get pretty down on myself if im left to my own thoughts n whatnot.

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Hey no problem man  
Thats what were here for

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
the rest of you dealt with matt, em, mike, and i working out our problems and then hooking up in what was undoubtedly THE BEST ORGY EVER, so it’s only fair to return the favor!!

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Gross.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
Tmi dude.

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
LMAO

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Gotta admit  
It was pretty great

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually preferred it when we were talking about dick pics.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
Yeah guys lets stay on topic. My shitty sex life is way more interestin than ur amazin one.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
Obvs.

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
So the original idea was to send a shirtless selfie? ^v^

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Yes.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
Wait who said it was gonna be shirtless??

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Are you kidding me, Joshua?

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
What???

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
You were three seconds away from sending Chris a picture of your dick, but now you’re getting cold feet at the thought of sending a shirtless selfie? Who the fuck are you??

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
I… well… if i send him a shirtless selfie then my face is gonna be in it.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
oh dear lord you have GOT to be shitting me!

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
LMAOOOOOOOOO

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Are you…

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Were you trying to claim DENIABILITY in sending a dick pic to Chris??!!

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
You’re willing to send him your DICK, but not your FACE?!?!

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
JOSHUA ROBERT WASHINGTON, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!!

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Oh shit. 0.0

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
she broke out the middle name!!

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
I didnt know your middle name was Robert

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
…

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
I now see the flaws in my logic.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
What the hell am I ever going to do with you…

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
We both know that despite all my bullshit u love me.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
N im glad u do bc ur fuckin scary as hell.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
Like goddamn i nearly just changed my name n left the country 2 escape ur wrath.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
I would find you.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
Nnnnnn ur back 2 bein scary again.

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Taken 4: starring Samantha Giddings  
Coming to theaters this fall

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
sooooooooo…

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
So what?

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
are you going to take the damn selfie or not??

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
Oh.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
I mean yeah i guess i will why not.

It took Josh ten full minutes to send another message as Sam--and presumably everyone else in the chat--waited.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
[img.42964]

Sam opened the text-- _after_ throwing a cautionary glance over her shoulder to make sure her bedroom door was closed--and took a look at what Josh had sent. What she was met with was one of the worst selfies she had ever seen. Where to begin? He wasn’t completely shirtless--instead, he was wearing a polo shirt with all the buttons undone and the collar half-popped. The shirt had some gray-ish, brown-ish stain in the right nipple area, and was wrinkled all to hell. Only a fraction of Josh’s face was visible--Sam could see a sliver of his teeth, his bottom lip, and then his chin. He’d missed a couple of hairs when shaving. The angle was horrendous--it was almost as if he had pressed the edge of his phone to his forehead and taken a shot of the ground. He was wearing old gym shorts and dirty socks, and his bedroom floor was a mess. The lighting in his room made him look jaundiced, and to top it all off, the tip of his finger was in the top left corner of the picture. Sam barely contained her rage as she typed a response.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Are you out of your goddamned motherfucking shitbrained mind? That is the worst selfie I have ever seen, and that includes the drunk ones that Mike and Chris send us when those two morons decide to go through an entire bottle of Fireball while watching shitty 90s cartoons. What the fuck, Joshua. What the fuck.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
So u like it. ;)

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Are you…

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Uh oh

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Are you doing this just to spite me?

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
;))

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Joshua.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Robert.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Washington.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
oh fuck she used the middle name twice in a row. bye!!!

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
O_O

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
You’ve left me no choice.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
I’m bringing out the big guns.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 3 others  
What???

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
????????????????

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
You want to play this game? I’ll show you how to play this game. Prepare to learn a lesson from… the selfie queen.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
oh no.

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
Oh shit

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 3 others  
?? 0~0

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
[SAM added HER ROYAL HIGHNESS to the conversation.]

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I GOTTA DELETE THAT RIGHT FUCKIN NOW FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUCK

From: Her Royal Highness  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
First, this chat is a mess. Second, I already saw it. You can’t hide what you’ve done, Josh. -Queen Em

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
Fuck.

Sam sat back, a grin on her face that she would most definitely describe as shit-eating, and watched the show.

From: Her Royal Highness  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Josh. You look like a homeless man fucked a bicycle with two flat tires and then gave birth in a diarrhea-stained Taco Bell bathroom. I admire your bravery for allowing a picture like that to ever scald the irises of people you know and love, but I will die happy if I never see anything even remotely similar to that again. -Queen Em

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
…

From: Her Royal Highness  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Shall I continue? -Queen Em

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
Please no.

From: Her Royal Highness  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
That selfie will be useful if you are ever hoping to induce projectile vomiting in Chris, though as he has little to no taste, he might just swallow the bile and send back a text saying “nice, bro” in order to not fracture your ego as it inches toward the territory of “douchey white boy”. If you ever want to turn down a job offer or tell a girl that you’re not interested, all you will need to do to ensure that you never see that person again is show them that picture. They will be out of your life for good, I promise you. -Queen Em

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
What did i do 2 deserve this.

From: Her Royal Highness  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
What did you do to deserve this? Scroll up, moron. You decided to unleash upon this world a selfie that is utterly horrid in both execution and content. It is honestly a shame. Do you want to know why it’s a shame? -Queen Em

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
No.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
I do.

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
I want to know! ;P

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Im getting in on this  
Lay it on me

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
we’ve come this far, of course we gotta hear why it’s a shame!!!!

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
Ur all literally the worst friends ever fuck u guys. >:(

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
You made this bed, now sleep in it.

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Bitch

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
Hey now thats just uncalled for.

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Lol

From: Her Royal Highness  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
May I continue? -Queen Em

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
By all means babe

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
Id rather you dont.

From: Her Royal Highness  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Too bad. -Queen Em

From: Her Royal Highness  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
You see, it’s a shame because, as much as I hate to admit it, you, Joshua Washington, are hot as fuck. This is an objective fact. And this selfie that you have taken? It throws all of your sexiness directly into the garbage. Your sex appeal is slam dunked, Space Jam-style, into an awaiting trash receptacle. It isn’t even recycled, to be put toward another deserving human being. It is driven to and dumped in a landfill, and then slowly pushed deeper and deeper towards the earth’s crust, never to be seen again. Say goodbye to your west coast twinkish charm, because it’s currently being crushed between an old pair of shoes and a used condom. And this is all your fault. Because of that damn selfie. I hope you’re happy. -Queen Em

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
I am not happy.

From: Her Royal Highness  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Well, since we’ve established that, we should get to work on helping you take the most bomb-ass selfie ever, now shouldn’t we? -Queen Em

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
Wait what.

Sam paused. _What?_

From: Her Royal Highness  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
I mean, it’s painfully clear that you only took that selfie to torture Sam. She and everyone else ribbed you for the dick pic (which, if I’m being completely honest, was executed better than the selfie, though that is still no excuse for me to have to see your dick again), so you got back at her by taking the opposite of a “hot pic”. You took the worst pic in the world. Your pettiness is brilliant, hilarious, and awful all at the same time--but we already know that. I came in and gave Sam the first part of what she wanted, but now I’m here to give the second part, which she might not have even known that she wanted. I’m here to take over and guide you in taking the best selfie that this world has and will ever see. Now let’s get started, shall we? -Queen Em

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Emily, you fucking double agent.

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Wait what do you mean see his dick “again”

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
matt, honey, all of us have had sleepovers at the washingtons’ with hannah and beth, and josh sometimes just walks around naked when he thinks everyone’s asleep. we’ve all seen his dick. also em pantsed him before gym freshman year. do you not remember that???

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Oh right  
But how come I hadnt seen Joshs dick until today

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
i guess you’re just not special enough, sweetie.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
Sorry Matt if id known u wanted 2 see my dick i wouldve shown it 2 u earlier man. N Em r u rly going 2 help me?

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Thanks bro

From: Her Royal Highness  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Yes, Josh, I’m going to help you. But don’t you dare make me regret it, or I’ll come for you for real this time. -Queen Em

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
I wont let u down ur majesty.

From: Her Royal Highness  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
That’s more like it. -Queen Em

Sam’s face fell into her hands. She knew that what had started out as a private conversation about thirsting over a friend was turning into a Broadway-worthy production. She shot her rock climbing partner a quick text saying that she would have to cancel for tonight, something came up and she was suddenly really busy. Because she was. She knew that this wouldn’t end before 5. It probably wouldn’t end before 10. Sam plugged her phone in to charge. 63% wasn’t going to cut it tonight.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
So whats the plan.

From: Her Royal Highness  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Alright. Everyone meet at the Washingtons’ by 6. Don’t eat dinner--Josh is buying us pizza. Be there or face my wrath. -Queen Em.

From: Jess <3  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
yes ma’am!!!

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
You got it babe

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Gotcha! :)

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Ash, I’ll pick you up.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
Wait why am i the one buying the pizza???? :(

From: Her Royal Highness  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Because you’re the one with the stupidly rich family. Suck it up, twinklord. -Queen Em

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
>:(

From: Her Royal Highness  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Shut up and go take a shower. I’ll see all of you fools soon. -Queen Em

Sam checked the time. 4:10. How had all of this happened in just over two hours? She had managed to get not only herself but four other people caught up in Josh’s gay whirlwind. Of course, she had her own gay whirlwind to deal with, but she kept most of that to herself. Josh just… wasn’t capable of dealing with this on his own. She knew that. He probably knew that on some subconscious level. It was probably a good thing that almost everyone else in their friend group had gotten involved. It took some of the pressure off Sam, it gave Josh more people to vent to, and it also brought fresh perspectives to the whole debacle. Overall, despite being an outrageous clusterfuck, the newly-formed group chat was, in Sam’s opinion, a good thing.

Josh, at about the same time that Sam was contemplating the pros and cons of the group chat, was undressing to get in the shower. He wasn’t about to disobey Emily. She was scary. Then again, the only girl in their friend group who didn’t completely terrify him was Ash, and even she had her moments. There was also both of his sisters--separate, neither was too bad, but together, they were a force to be reckoned with. Luckily they had a sort of sibling truce. That was also good because they were two of the first people to find out about his crush on Chris. They could have spilled the beans to everyone the summer before sixth grade, but, thankfully, they didn’t. And in return Josh hadn’t told their parents about what really happened to the peonies in the front yard (hint: it was a “borrowed” golf cart and two elementary-age girls).  
Josh’s phone buzzed. He reached for where it was sitting on the bathroom counter, and checked the new message.

From: Her Royal Highness  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
You’re going to take a shower like I asked, aren’t you, Josh? -Queen Em

Josh rolled his eyes but replied quickly.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
Yeah im about 2 step in right now.

Em sent back a thumbs up emoji, followed--as always--by her stupid text message signature. Josh locked his phone and put it back down. He turned toward the shower, stuck a hand in to test the temperature of the water, and, finding it satisfactorily scalding, stepped in. He showered quickly. He’d just taken a shower last night, so Emily’s order to take another one didn’t make much sense to him, but he trusted that she knew what she was doing. He did take the chance to finish shaving his face. He’d shaved about 95% of it about half an hour ago, purposefully missing a couple of spots just so he could have them be a nice detail in his selfie from earlier.  
Em was right, of course--Josh had tried to take the worst selfie possible (and he had apparently succeeded) just to piss off Sam. Why did she put up with him all the time? He didn’t know. But it sure was funny. If the two of them weren’t both gay he probably would have dated her. They got along well enough. And she’d probably agree to it. But that was most certainly not the case, as even in the present moment, with shampoo dripping into his eye, some part of Josh was still thinking about Chris. Worrying about Chris, more exactly.  
Would Chris hate him after this? Would Josh even get that far? He’d chickened out before--hell, he’d spent approximately the past ten years chickening out when it came to telling Chris he liked him. Surely Chris wouldn’t hate him. They’d been through so much more.  
Chris had been there for Josh through everything. He’d been there when Josh realized he was gay, when he came out to his parents, when he was bullied for it afterwards. He’d been there for Josh when he wasted three solid years pretending as hard as he could that he was straight, in the hopes that it would actually happen. He’d been there when they went away to different colleges, and then when Josh dropped out. He’d been there through all of the good days and bad days, and when his mental illnesses had acted up. He’d been there to laugh and cry and run off into the woods with. He’d been there when Josh made his first real movie--hell, he’d been one of the stars of it--and he’d been there when Josh had to go to interviews and screenings and everything in between. Chris had always been there. He wouldn’t leave now. Not because of this.  
But still, some part of Josh’s brain whispered, _Would he?_ Josh knew that that part of his brain was the part that he wasn’t supposed to listen to. It was the part that lied to him--it was the part that he got medications for (to quiet it), and the part that he had turned into a monster for his movie. He knew this part of his brain very well, and he knew not to listen to it. But it was still there anyway. It was a part of him.  
Just like Chris was. Chris wouldn’t leave. He knew he wouldn’t. Everyone else knew, too. And if Josh couldn’t trust himself on something, then he had to trust his friends. They all loved and cared about him. Hell, they were going to show up at his house in an hour and a half just to help him take what Emily had called “the best selfie that this world has and will ever see”. Josh laughed at that as he shut the faucet off and shook some water out of his hair. He grabbed a towel off the rack, dried off, and wandered back into his room to find some clothes. He was digging through his dresser when he realized that he had no idea what kind of outfit Emily wanted him in, and if he chose something now, there was a 99.9% chance that she would have him change as soon as she arrived. So he shrugged and decide to lounge about with his towel tied around his waist until everyone showed up. He got up to go get his phone, which he had left in the bathroom, and checked the group chat again as he flopped down on his bed. There were only two messages.

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
4:20 blaze it B)

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Haha  
Hell yeah

Josh knew for a fact that neither of them smoked--Ash because of a predisposition towards respiratory problems, and Matt because he was the sports star of his college. But you couldn’t just let 4:20 go by without saying anything. That was un-American. Blasphemy. So he texted back.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Sam and 4 others  
Aw damn i missed it while i was in the shower. I hope u guys blazed a lil bit 4 me.

From: Superstar  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
Oh you know we did  
We definitely lit up and smoked some of that dank weed  
Absolutely  
That sure was a thing we did  
Ash and me  
Yep

From: Her Royal Highness  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
You are literally the most embarrassing people I’ve ever met in my life. -Queen Em

From: *~Ashley~*  
To: Josh Wash and 4 others  
;)

Josh shook his head and set his phone aside. He had an hour before Sam showed up. Emily had asked everyone to meet at 6, but Sam always showed up early. And if Sam was picking up Ashley, then she would be there too.  
_Oh, man, nobody’s told Hannah and Beth what’s going on. They’ll see everyone showing up and think that I decided to host a get-together without including them. Shit._ He rolled off the bed and left his room.  
“Hannah? Beth?” He called out into the house.  
No response.  
_Wait, what day is it?_ He checked his phone. Thursday. Oh. Hannah had tennis practice from 4 to 7, and Beth was out volunteering at the local soup kitchen. Josh turned around and went back to his room. _Fuck,_ he thought. _I’m kinda hungry._ But Emily said that nobody should eat anything before they all met up, because he was buying everyone pizza. _Fuck._  
So, instead of eating, he decided to take a nap.  
The knock on the door an hour later scared the shit out of Josh. He awoke flailing, trying to take a swing at any possible intruders, but his towel came undone and tangled around his ankles, bringing him crashing to the floor.  
“... _Ow._ ”  
The knock came again. Josh reached up onto the bed and grabbed his phone. He unlocked it as he rolled onto his back, his left side aching from where he landed on it. He had eight new messages, all from Sam.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
Hey, I’m picking up Ash and heading your way.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
I have Ash. We’re ten minutes out.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
We’re at the door.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
Josh are you getting any of these?

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
We’re knocking.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
Josh let us in.

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
We’ve been out here for five minutes. Joshua. Are you sleeping??

From: Sam  
To: Josh Wash  
Alright. Have it your way.

Josh groaned and hauled himself to his feet. He tied his towel back in place--everyone had seen his dick enough for one day--and shuffled to the door, rubbing his eyes. He had just put his hand on the handle when it twisted and the door swung open, pushing him backwards and into the nearest wall. He let out a surprised cry and stumbled away from the two figures entering his room.  
It was Ash and Sam. They were chatting, but that stopped once they saw him. Sam put her hands on her hips and turned to him with a stern look.  
“Joshua Washington, there you are! Did you not get my texts?” She glanced quickly at the towel wrapped around his waist, but didn’t mention it.  
“I--I was asleep,” he stuttered out.  
Sam rolled her eyes. “Of course you were. Well, we’re here. Everyone else should be here in about twenty minutes.”  
“How…” Josh glanced past them, out into the hall that led into the living room and entryway. “How did you get in? Beth should have locked the front door on her way out.”  
Sam rolled her eyes a second time, but slower, to make sure that Josh got the point. “I have been rock climbing for almost 15 years. I’ve been your friend for almost as long. If you think I don’t know what windows your family keeps locked and every way to climb to those windows, then you don’t know me. We’ve been friends long enough that your home is basically my home. So I let myself in. And then I unlocked the front door so Ashley wouldn’t have to risk busting her ass.”  
Ashley gave a little wave, smiling her usual sheepish smile.  
Josh raised his eyebrows. “Okay, well, fair. Sorry I didn’t hear you. At least you knocked before coming in here. I was almost indecent.”  
“We heard something hit the ground. Did our knocking startle you?” Ashley asked.  
“Absolutely. I woke up swinging.”  
Sam laughed. She walked over to the bed and sat down, kicking her shoes off onto the floor. “So,” she said, “what do you think Em has in store for you tonight?”  
Josh laughed too, albeit nervously. “I honestly have no idea. I trust that she’ll transform me full-on Cinderella-style, but I can’t help but wonder, at what cost? How many human sacrifices will we need to make? Her magic can’t be without a price.” He cracked a smile.  
“Well, we’ll definitely need to blood of a virgin,” Ashley said as she plopped down on Josh’s desk in the corner. She looked around at both of them, a look of consideration on her face. After a moment’s pause, she continued, “Okay, we might be outta luck on that one.”  
“I’ve heard chocolate syrup with red food coloring works just as well,” Sam said.  
“Don’t forget the cornstarch to thicken it up, though,” Josh added. He’d made fake blood more times than he could count.  
“Because I’m sure some dark entity would accept fake chocolate syrup blood as a substitute.” Ashley turned toward the contents on the desk and began absentmindedly flipping through the pages of one of Josh’s books on filmmaking. “So,” she said, “Chris and I were supposed to go on a date tonight.”  
Josh immediately paled. “You--you were--oh my god I’m so sorry. Fuck. Shit. Do you want me to text Em and call this off? I don’t want to--”  
Ashley closed the book and swiveled around to face him again, grinning. “Are you kidding? This is _perfect._ ”  
Josh frowned. “It’s… what?” He looked to Sam for insight, but she just shrugged in a way that said “I don’t understand heterosexuality”. How helpful. Josh turned back to Ashley. “Please explain.”  
Ashley excited crossed one leg over the other, pressing her hands against her thighs, finger splayed. “Okay. So.”  
Josh and Sam exchanged another look.  
Ashley didn’t notice. “Chris was going to take me out to dinner tonight. Nothing really fancy, just that hole-in-the-wall Thai place behind the library--you know, the one where they know to make the pad thai super mild for Mr. White Boy?”  
Josh and Sam both nodded. Chris could chug an entire bottle of hot sauce, but the moment anything that used actual spices touched his lips, his soul jumped right out of his body. Ashley continued. “Well, that’s where we were planning to go. But then this came up. I told him that we’d have to reschedule--to tomorrow night. I told him that I had plans with the rest of the girls tonight that I’d forgotten about when I said yes to the dinner date. He understood. It’s no big deal.” She paused, her eyes glinting with a light that made Josh realize that maybe, just maybe he might fear Ashley at least a little bit. “Or so he thinks.”  
When neither Josh nor Sam had anything to add, Ashley kept going. “Well, with the timing of the date, I’ll be able to get Chris’s day-after reaction to whatever selfie Em is going to make you send. I can get him to talk about it, without him knowing I was involved, and then report all the information back to you. And then, being a ‘double agent’ of sorts, I’ll be in the position to nudge him in whatever direction you’d like him to be nudged in.”  
“You…” Josh trailed off, thinking. “Isn’t this kind of unfair to Chris?”  
Ashley tilted her head to the side, her red hair spilling across her shoulder. “How so?”  
“You’re playing both sides.”  
Ashley laughed. “There’s a term for that--I don’t know if you’ve ever heard it. It’s called being a _wingman._ ”  
“Wingwoman?” Sam suggested. Ashley shrugged.  
Josh sighed, rubbing his face slowly. “You’re planning to act as a wingman… to set _me_ up… with _your_ boyfriend. Oh how the tables have turned.”  
“You set me up with him, now I set you up with him! It’s only fair.” Ashley winked at Josh, who looked away.  
“We are, undoubtedly, the most fucked up group of friends on this planet.” Josh shook his head.  
“I’d drink to that,” said Sam.  
The doorbell rang. All three of them stood up at once.  
Suddenly anxious, Josh clenched and unclenched his fists a couple of times, taking a deep breath before moving toward the door. He glanced over his shoulder at Sam and Ashley and put on a grin. “Welcome to Hell.”

Josh cringed away from Emily’s stare, which seemed to burn right through him, and he wished that he was wearing something more than just a towel. She circled him like a hungry vulture, looking him up and down, one hand held at her chin, her brow furrowed. Josh exchanged a glance with Sam, who was standing off to the side with the others. Ashley and Matt chatted idly together, while Jess and Sam watched Emily inspect Josh.  
Finally, after what felt like an hour of scrutiny, Emily stepped back. Josh let out a breath that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. But now that the inspection was over, it was time for the critique to begin. Josh braced himself.  
“Alright,” said Emily, “so here’s the plan. You’re cut like a Michelangelo, so that’s the main thing--apart from your face--that we’re going to highlight. Your eyes, hair, and skin all look best in warm light, so we’re going to wait for the golden hour before we take any pictures. Your hair has been air-drying, so all we need to do is put a little bit of product in it, since you’ve already got the volume I was wanting. You finished shaving your face just a little bit ago, so you’re smooth as a newborn, which is perfect for the twinkish vibes you’re putting out--”  
“I honestly would consider myself more aligned with a twunk,” Josh interjected.  
Emily paused, eyeing him again, a look of consideration crossing her face. She smiled and shook her head. “You’re getting there. Eat more protein.” She then returned to her previous, appraising state. “But as I was saying, any scruff would clash with the specific image that we’re going for tonight. You’re going to be as smooth as physically possible. You’re going to look like fucking marble. It’s going to be amazing. Okay?”  
Josh nodded. “Okay."  
“Good. Now, the rest of your face. Your eyelashes are fucking amazing, Josh, did you know that? It’s really unfair.”  
“I’ve been told this many times and I wish I could give my eyelashes to the people who want them.”  
“No. Keep them. You need them for this selfie. But I am going to put mascara on them, because when you’ve got something good, you make it _great._ Your eyes I’ve already touched on--they’re dark and perfect for golden light, and we’re going to take advantage of that. Your lips are a little dry. We’re going to fix that. Now, you’ve got good facial structure--especially your jawline--but we’re still going to contour a little bit. And a dash of highlighter never hurt anybody. You are gonna _shine,_ Josh Washington. That’s all I’ve got for you right now, so let’s go get you dressed.”  
Josh nodded, turning to head toward his room. It was only when he was opening up the door to his closet that he realized that Emily’s appraisal had included no quips or digs. The closest was the comment on him being a twink, but somewhere inside he knew she was right, and he filed away a mental note to buy protein powder. He smiled to himself, and some of his anxiety fell away. He stepped aside to let Emily search for suitable clothes. Josh sat as his desk and watched the others file in.  
After a minute of constant rustling coming from the closet, Emily reappeared. Josh wasn’t sure exactly what he had been expecting, but the sight of only two items of clothing draped over Emily’s arm was definitely not it. She held a relatively new pair of sweatpants and a pair of black boxers. Josh looked at the clothes, then at Emily, then back at the clothes. He raised an eyebrow.  
Emily smirked. “What did you think I was going to have you wear?”  
Josh shrugged. “I dunno, maybe just… more?”  
To the side, the others all laughed.  
“Josh, you’re taking a hot selfie, not modeling for Christian Lifestyle Magazine. You’re gonna be showing a little skin.” Emily handed him the clothes.  
Josh grinned. “If a little skin is what you want, I have ‘Are You Nasty?’ booty shorts that still fit. I know exactly where they are, I can grab them real quick--” He started to dart towards his closet, but Emily reached out and grabbed the back of his towel, her fingers wrapping tightly around the damp fabric.  
“One more step, Joshua Washington, and everyone in the room sees your dick for the second time today. Do you want that?” Her voice was cold, though her eyes had a wicked glimmer to them.  
Josh swallowed, frozen in place. “N… no…” He really, _really_ didn’t want to lose his towel. He’d had enough show-and-tell for one day, and it would only be worse in real life. Slowly, he stepped backwards, away from the closet.  
Emily relinquished her grip. “Good boy. Now go put those on. And remember who’s in charge here.”  
Josh shuffled in the direction of the bathroom. “This is _my_ house,” he called back over his shoulder.  
“You say that as if I give a shit, Josh,” Emily retorted.  
Josh made sure to lock the bathroom door behind him, and made a face through it at Emily. _‘I’m in charge here, blah blah blah, my name’s Emily and I’m the queen, I own your ass, blah blah blah.’_ _Why did I agree to letting her help, again?_ He continued mocking her as he pulled on the boxers and sweats, only stopping when he opened the door and stepped back out into his bedroom. He did a little twirl for Emily, adding in a curtsy at the end to drive the point home, then threw his arms out wide. “Well, whaddaya think? Does this fit your artistic vision, madame?”  
Emily rolled her eyes. “Don’t act like this is a burden, you asked for me to be here.”  
Josh scoffed. “I did no such thing.”  
“Okay, it’s time for you to shut up again. Go sit down on the bed. I’ll be back.” Emily left the room without saying anything else. Josh shrugged and moved toward his bed. The rest of the group had taken up residence there, so he had to flop down at a weird angle between them. He ended up with his legs curled around Sam, his torso sandwiched between Jess and Ashley, and his head and arms pretty much in Matt’s lap.  
“Hey, guys,” Josh said.  
Matt snorted. “Comfortable?”  
“No.”  
“These sweatpants are really nice, where’d you get them?” Jess piped up from behind him.  
“Uh…”  
“You don’t remember, do you?”  
Josh shrugged to the best of his abilities.  
“You’re useless. Hold still.”  
Josh couldn’t see what Jess was doing, but he figured it out the moment he felt her hand reach under the waistband at the small of his back. He let out a yelp at the touch. “Christ, your hands are cold!”  
“All of me is cold all of the time. Suck it up. You could have avoided this if you’d just remembered where you got these pants.” Jess rifled around in the back of his pants, searching for the tag. “Aha! They’re… oh, fuck me. That’s just the laundry tag. Did you--did you rip out the tag with the brand on it, and _only_ that tag?”  
“Maybe? I don’t know. It was probably itchy and I didn’t like it. Don’t blame me. Tags are annoying.”  
“But you left the laundry tag.”  
“Yeah, because that one’s useful. And it isn’t scratchy. It’s earned its place near my ass.”  
Jess lifted the waistband of his pants and let it slap back down against his skin, causing him to jolt. He twisted around to glare at her. She stuck her tongue out at him in response.  
“What’s taking Em so long?” Ashley asked, craning her neck to try to get a look out the door that Emily had disappeared through.  
“She’s probably grabbing something from her bag. Or the car.” Matt said.  
“Oh, joy,” sighed Josh.  
“Don’t be like that, Joshua Washua, this will all be worth it when you and Chris fall in _love_ and get _married_ and have a hundred beautiful _babies_!” Sam said in a mock-dreamy voice, her hands clasped in front of her chest and a stupid smile on her face.  
“Oh my _god,_ Sam, don’t do that!” Josh tried to push her off the bed, one foot on her thigh and the other in her armpit, but he couldn’t get good enough leverage, and had to settle for allowing Sam to make kissing faces at him. Ashley laughed hard enough that Josh wanted to try to shove her off the bed, too, but he gave up and buried his face in the comforter instead, waiting for his friends to stop mocking him. “Why am I friends with you people?” He asked, his voice muffled by the thick fabric.  
“Because you looooooove us,” Jess said. She paused, then added, “Even if you don’t tell us where you get your fucking pants.”  
“Oh my god, Jess, I’ll try to find where I got them, okay? Chill out.” Josh was regretting his decision to allow any of them get involved more and more by the second.  
Finally, after what seemed like an inordinately long amount of time doing whatever it was she was doing, Emily returned. Josh wormed his way out of the mass of people on his bed and stood near his desk, waiting. Emily smiled at him as she crossed the room, and held up one hand. In it was a small plastic jar of… something. Josh couldn’t see the label.  
“Whatcha got there? Vaseline? You gonna lube me up? I’ll be the slipperiest motherfucker this world has ever seen.” Josh ran his hands down his chest and stomach, miming rubbing himself down with oil.  
Emily sighed audibly, fixing Josh with a flat look. “I thought I told you to shut up.”  
Josh snapped his mouth shut, puffing out his cheeks and looking side to side, from Emily to the others. He raised one hand to his lips and made the motion of turning a key in a lock, then he threw away the key. He sat down at his desk, crossed one leg over the other in an exaggerated sweep of motion, rested his chin in his hands, and looked up at Emily with his best puppy-dog eyes. He did his best to make his expression say _“I’m perfectly obedient, just look at me.”_ If everyone was going to make this evening difficult for him, then he was going to make it difficult for them, too.  
The dead look in Emily’s eyes somehow got deader. She turned to the others. “Did one of you slip him something? I swear, if you’re trying to make this any harder than it already is, I’m gonna--”  
“We didn’t do anything, babe,” Matt replied before Emily could get too worked up.  
“I mean, we heckled him a little bit, but it was nothing more than usual,” Ashley added.  
“I just wanted to know where he got his pants.” Jess shot a narrow-eyed look at Josh’s sweats.  
“I made kissy noises at him because he and Chris are going to get married and have one thousand beautiful babies,” Sam said.  
Josh started. “No, you said a hundred--”  
Emily’s hand came to rest on Josh’s shoulder, and he shut up instantly. He still glared at Sam, though. _One thousand babies is just unrealistic._  
“Now,” Emily said, turning her icy gaze on each and every one of them, who shrank whenever it passed over. “Are we done acting like children? I came here with a purpose, and we are going to run out of daylight if we don’t get our asses into gear. This is supposed to be a goddamn Cinderella story. I won’t be able to turn this mess into a beauty unless everyone is on board. Matt, don’t try to say that nothing happened if everyone else is going to immediately say what happened. Ash, thank you for your honesty. Jess, they’re from H &M. Sam, one thousand babies is just unrealistic.” Josh almost blurted out a loud “Right?!” but another look from Emily kept him quiet. “And Josh,” she continued, “this isn’t Vaseline.” She turned the jar around so he could see the logo. “It’s coconut oil.”  
Josh raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. The harsh look in Emily’s eyes faded, and was replaced instead with her typical smugness. She unscrewed the lid of the coconut oil jar. Josh narrowed his eyes. “That _is_ going to go on my body, isn’t it.”  
Emily scooped out a tablespoon-sized amount of coconut oil and began to rub it between her hands, grinning. “It’s going to go all _over_ your body, Joshua.” And with that, she went to work.

Emily’s job was slathering Josh with copious--but not overbearing--amounts of coconut oil. Jess’s job was to apply a little bit of makeup, exactly as Emily directed. Ashley’s job was to muss up Josh’s hair and gel it into place, but without making it look like his hair was full of gel. Sam’s job was to clean up around the part of the room where Emily was planning on having the selfie taken. Matt’s job was to follow after Sam and mess up the room again, but in a way that was pre-planned and aesthetically pleasing. Josh’s job was, in Emily’s words, to “stand still and look hot”. And so far he thought he was doing pretty well at it.  
Once Ashley was finished with Josh’s hair--Emily looked it over from a ridiculous amount of angles and distances before she approved--she asked, “Can I put on some music? I feel like that could add to the mood.”  
“Sure,” Emily said, “just pick something sexy.”  
“Uh… alright, yeah. Something sexy. I can do that.” Ashley wandered over to Josh’s bedside table and grabbed his bluetooth speaker off of it. “Josh, can I use this?”  
“Yeah, go for it,” he nodded.  
“Don’t move!” Emily snapped at him. “One stray smear of coconut oil and we have to start over.”  
Josh frowned. Moving his mouth as little as possible as he spoke, he retorted, “What a shame that would be.”  
She glared at him. “I don’t appreciate your sarcasm.”  
“That seems to be a common sentiment.”  
Behind them, “SexyBack” started blasting. Josh swore that in that moment he saw Emily’s soul leave her body. “Ash, are you kidding me? This isn’t sexy!”  
Cries of dissent rose up around the room.  
“What? It’s got ‘sexy’ in the title!” Ashley said.  
“And it’s Justin Timberlake! Are you telling me that Justin Timberlake isn’t sexy?” Matt asked.  
“I don’t agree on that last point, but nonetheless, ‘SexyBack’ is a classic!” Sam said.  
Jess didn’t argue with Emily, but she did proceed to sing along at top volume.  
Emily stepped away from her work on Josh to scold the others. “Oh no no no no no no no, this is not up for debate. ‘SexyBack’ is the wrong kind of sexy. It’s getting drunk in 2007 and making out with a girl in jelly shoes and a tube top. We are _not_ listening to ‘SexyBack’. Matt, you’re in charge of music now.”  
A collection of groans followed, but ‘SexyBack’ stopped mid-chorus. Jess finished that verse on her own before quieting. Matt clapped. Emily rolled her eyes. After a minute of relative silence, a different song started playing. Emily’s hands flew into the air. “Matthew! I trusted you to pick the music!”  
Josh recognized the new song as Ginuwine’s “Pony”. He let out a laugh. “Em, this song is pretty sexy, you gotta admit.”  
“No, Josh! This song is from the nineties! Can _anyone_ here find a sexy song from _this decade_?!”  
Sam was losing her shit on the bed. “Don’t worry, Em,” she said through gasps of laughter, “I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”  
Emily turned to look at Sam. “You’d better, because I swear to whoever’s listening, I will destroy everyone in this room if the choice of music does not improve.”  
‘Pony’ stopped playing. Emily let out a huff of air. Josh waited for the next song. It started playing a few moments later. Josh looked at Emily to see her reaction. She cocked her head to the side, listening. Then she nodded. “This is acceptable… I guess. It’s not as sexy as I’d like, but at least it’s not ten years old.”  
The song was “Girls/Girls/Boys”. Josh resisted the urge to move along with the music.  
“The lyrics may not be the sexiest, but the music video is the sexiest thing on the goddamn planet, and I will fight anyone who says otherwise,” said Jess.  
“I hate to say it, but you’re right. I’d go straight for Brendon Urie.” Sam agreed. Josh snorted.  
“Is that so? I’ll be sure to tell Beth.” Emily said, glancing at Sam over Josh’s shoulder.  
“Don’t you dare--” Sam hissed.  
“What?” Josh eyed Emily. Out of the corner of his vision, he saw Sam freeze. His brow furrowed--earning a disapproving exhale from Emily--and he repeated himself. “ _What_?”  
“You haven’t told him?” Emily raised an eyebrow at Sam, who Josh could hear fall face-first into his bed, groaning.  
“Of course I haven’t, Em! We’ve been focusing on him and his problems, not me and mine!” Sam replied, her voice muffled by Josh’s bedding.  
“Are you saying that--” Josh stopped as his mind put together the puzzle pieces. “You--Beth-- _what_?”  
“Useless lesbian,” snorted Emily as she dabbed a bit of coconut oil on Josh’s cheek.  
“ _Beth_?” It took all of Josh’s self-control to stay in a position that was anywhere close to still. “You like _Beth_? Like, my _sister_ Beth? You like her in a _gay way_?”  
The rustle of sheets informed Josh that Sam was attempting to dig her way into his bed, in the hopes of disappearing forever. Josh understood the feeling. What he did not understand, however, was the fact that _Sam_ apparently liked _Beth_.  
“But--does she _know_?” Josh asked. Emily grabbed him by the chin and forced him to keep his face still as she massaged oil into his hairline. Jess darted in and applied a small amount of makeup where Emily directed.  
“Of _course_ she doesn’t know, Josh! Who do you think I am?! I may be able to scale hundred-foot rock walls without batting an eyelash, but telling a pretty girl that I like her? No way! Impossible!” Sam’s voice wavered as she pulled another pillow over her head.  
“You think my sister’s pretty! Oh my god does Hannah know?” Josh wanted to turn around and look at Sam _so badly._ Emily had to be almost done. The sun was almost setting.  
“Yes, Hannah knows, she’s my best friend! She’s been wanting to set me up with Beth for the past few weeks, but I’ve told her not to every time she’s offered because I’m a coward!” Sam groaned.  
“Holy shit. I can’t believe this. And Em, you knew?” Josh turned his eyes onto the friend who had an almost empty jar of coconut oil. Where had it all gone?  
“I know everything, Josh,” Emily smirked.  
“She stole my phone after I refused to tell her why I was blushing. Bitch.” Sam muttered.  
“Love you too, Sammy,” said Emily.  
Josh was still reeling from the fact that one of his best friends had a crush on one of his little sisters. Of course, with how close they all were, it didn’t really surprise him. Everyone else in their group of friends seemed to be dating each other--or at least trying to. Why not Sam and Beth? Josh considered the thought for a moment. “Sam, I’ve come to the conclusion that you and Beth would make a cute couple. However, I still feel betrayed that you didn’t tell me before now.”  
“First of all, thank you, I guess? Second of all, I had been meaning to, but your gay bullshit kind of took precedence over my gay bullshit. Priorities, y’know?” Sam sounded noticeably less like she craved immediate death, and more like she was only mildly embarrassed.  
“Fair enough. Still… you like Beth. What the fuck. I’ll have to get used to that. Ha, that’s _gay_.” Josh grinned.  
“ _You’re_ gay, Josh.” Sam retorted.  
“True. True.”  
“Anyway, we’re focusing on your gay drama today. We can have a weird coconut-oil-and-sexy-music session for me later. Or not, I hope. But right now we need to get your ‘hot pic’ taken. Em, is he almost ready?” Sam smoothly returned the topic back to a place that was not within the boundaries of her personal life. Josh had to appreciate how nice that redirection was. He really could learn a thing or two from Sam.  
Emily smudged one last bit of coconut oil into Josh’s left collarbone--he didn’t understand why it needed to be there, but at that point he just accepted it--then she stepped back and gave him a long, scrutinizing look. She circled slowly around him, moving closer and farther away as she did. She crouched down to look at him from below, and got up on his desk, bed, and bedside table to look at him from above. She moved to her bag and grabbed out a pair of sunglasses to look at him while wearing them. She covered one eye, and then the other. It was only when she made to do a headstand that Josh finally sputtered, “Em, what the fuck are you doing?”  
Emily fell from her partial headstand back to her knees, then turned around to face him. “Oh, thank god. I thought you idiots were just gonna let me keep going for the next hour.”  
“What?” Matt asked, sounding as confused as Josh felt.  
Emily laughed. “I was fucking with you, dumbass. I wanted to see how long I could go and how much weird shit I could do before one of you caught on. I’m surprised it was Josh. Did you really think I needed to see what he looked like with sunglasses on?”  
“You have me half-naked and slathered in coconut oil. At this point, I’m just rolling with it. You want to do a headstand to get a good upside-down view of my shining, slippery body? Go for it.” Josh said.  
Emily stood up. “I just have too much power, and all of you bend to my whims.”  
“Hot,” said Jess.  
“Oh my god, shut up,” Sam said.  
“No, I agree. Hot,” Matt echoed.  
“Can we just take the photo?” Sam asked. She then added, shooting a pointed look at Emily, “Or do you need to ogle Josh from a few different angles?”  
Emily nodded. “I’m done ogling. We are good to go. Let’s set up the picture.”  
“What do you want me to do?” Asked Josh.  
“Nothing. Don’t fuck up your clothes, hair, or makeup. We need to move quickly, before the oil dries. Matt, open the bathroom door and turn on the water for me--I need to get all this oil off my hands, and I don’t want to slather everything I touch in it in the process.” Emily spared a quick look at her hands. They were even shinier than Josh. She made a face and went back to giving instructions. “Sam and Jess, go find a short ladder or stepstool. Ashley, go grab the camera. You’re our photographer.”  
Everyone set off to do what Emily had asked, leaving Josh standing in his room, shining in the sunlight like a slimy _Twilight_ vampire. He did his best not to mess up any of the work that had been done on him. After a couple of minutes, everyone had returned. Sam and Jess, however, were empty-handed.  
“We couldn’t find a stepstool, or a short ladder, or anything like that,” said Sam.  
“We did find a spinny chair in Josh’s dad’s office, but we thought that might not be the safest for standing on,” added Jess.  
“Only if you’re a coward,” Matt said, earning a flat look from Sam.  
Emily crossed her arms, thinking. “Well,” she said after a few seconds of silence, “I was going to have Ash stand on that so she could take pictures from a selfie-like angle, since she’s not tall enough to do it on her own. Can we move the desk?”  
Josh shook his head. “Nope. That thing weighs way too much, and on top of that, something might break.”  
“Guys. There are the chairs at the dining room table,” Matt said.  
“Oh hell no,” said Jess. “Those things have _nice_ upholstery, and Mrs. Washington would kill all of us if we even so much as sat on them the wrong way. Why do you think we never sit at the dining room table when we’re over here? It’s _special_.”  
“Alright, alright.” Matt frowned. “Josh, is--”  
Josh interrupted him. “Yes, that’s true. My mom has this weird thing with the kitchen furniture. I don’t think she really remembers that my dad is stupid rich and could buy new furniture at any point without batting an eyelash, but that’s beside the point, can we please just get this over with? My gay ass can only handle so much, and I’m starting to feel a little nasty covered in all this coconut bullshit.” He shifted from one foot to the other. He had been standing in one spot for quite a while, and it was starting to make him antsy. That, and the fact that his friends were setting him up to take a selfie that he was going to send to his best friend, whom he was also in love with. Josh felt his throat constrict a little bit.  
“Okay, okay.” Emily cleared her throat. “Matt, you’re going to hold up Ash, and from there she’s going to take Josh’s picture. Can both of you do that?”  
Matt and Ashley exchanged a look, then both turned to Emily and nodded.  
“Good. I hope you know that you’re all messes. I still love you though.” Emily said.  
Sam sighed, rubbing at her eyes. “We could just go find a different chair, I’m sure one of the twins has one in their room--”  
Emily interrupted Sam. “Nope, it’s too late, we’re doing this now. The lighting is perfect, the oil is perfect, Josh is… acceptable, the time is _now_. Let’s go, people!” She motioned for Ashley and Matt to get into position. Sam rolled her eyes. Josh gave a little huff and started preparing himself.  
_Be sexy,_ Josh thought to himself, _but not too sexy. You’ve gotta be attractive, but not laying it on super strong. You’ve gotta--fuck. I’ll just do what Em tells me to do._  
Ashley walked over to Matt, who held his arms out to her. She clutched the camera to her chest and let him pick her up. He hoisted her onto his shoulder in such a smooth and effortless way that most men, having seen him do that, would decide then and there that they were going to start hitting the gym. “Here, Ash, just swing a leg over, you can sit on my shoulders,” Matt said. “Pretend that I’m your dad and you’re a little kid at the fair or something.”  
“Ew, no, I’ve had sex dreams about you, I’m not pretending you’re my dad,” Ashley said, making a face. She did as he said, though, and got the camera ready.  
“You’ve had sex dreams about me?” Matt asked, grinning as he held onto her ankles to keep her steady. “I’m honored.”  
“You’re one hot tamale, babe, it’s no wonder she’s had sex dreams about you,” Jess said from where she had flopped back down onto Josh’s bed.  
“Seconded,” said Emily. “Ash, you know, if you want to get in on any of this, all you have to do is ask.”  
“No thanks, I’m good. I’ll let you know if that changes, though,” Ashley said, quickly taking a few test shots and adjusting the camera’s settings.  
“Your friendship just isn’t real until you’ve had sex dreams about one another,” mused Josh, stepping into a patch of sunlight at Emily’s direction.  
“I haven’t had sex dreams about Matt. Is our friendship fake?” Sam asked. She had wandered over to stand by Emily and watch.  
“You’re a lesbian, Sam. You’re not required to have any sex dreams about me.” Matt said. “I’d say that our friendship is very real.”  
“But if you dare mention any sort of sex dreams involving one of my sisters,” Josh said, fixing her with an intense stare, “I am legally obligated to destroy you.”  
“Jesus Christ, Josh,” said Sam. “There have been _no_ sex dreams involving one of your sisters.” She rolled her eyes. After a moment she added, “It was both.”  
Josh let out a tortured cry and nearly slapped both hands against his face, but Emily lunged forward and snatched both of his wrists while making a noise that sounded like steam escaping a kettle. Matt let out a loud belly-laugh and turned around to high-five Sam. “Twins fantasy!” He said as their hands cracked together. Atop his shoulders, Ashley pitched to one side, nearly dropping the camera. She caught it at the last second, and Sam caught her, pushing her back into place on Matt’s shoulders.  
“Alright, alright!” Emily yelled, glaring at each one of them, Josh’s wrists still held in her iron grip. She softened her tone a little bit and continued, “Enough bullshit and let’s get this done, already. No more talk of sex dreams, especially if it involves either one--or _both_ \--of the twins. Josh, hold your dominant hand up by the camera, so it looks like you’re holding a phone. Give a nice flirtatious smile--the one you do whenever you’re hitting on straight white girls at the gay bar so they’ll buy you drinks. Yes, I know you do that, and yes, I think it is a brilliant strategy, straight white girls love hot twinks. Just do the smile, pose nicely, make sure the light catches your eyes even if you have to stare into the sun for a little bit, and it’ll all be over soon. Okay? Okay. Let’s do this.”  
Everyone nodded. Jess gave a double thumbs up from her spot on the bed. An air of focus descended upon the room. Matt held Ashley steady as she trained the camera on Josh. He raised his arm, holding his hand in the air close enough to brush Ashley’s knuckles but not jostle her as she worked. Josh fixed his posture--one shoulder back, chest out, confident but not military, relaxed but not slouching--and donned the expression that Emily had requested, staring directly into the camera. _Click--click--click--click._ Ashley took a handful of photos, looked each of them over, and nodded to herself. She patted Matt’s shoulder, and he let her down.  
Everyone immediately moved to gather around the camera, but Emily motioned for them to stay back as she peered over Ashley’s shoulder. The two of them reviewed the photos together, Ashley glancing after each one to check for Emily’s approval. Emily wore a look of focused appraisal. Once Ashley had shown her the final photo, Emily stepped back, nodding slowly to herself. Her gaze slid up to meet the apprehensive stares of everyone else in the room. She was the authority on this--hers was the final judgment, her word was law. She squared her shoulders and, with the hint of a grin creeping onto her lips, declared, “They’re _perfect_.”  
The room exploded into clapping and cheering. Matt jumped in triumph, letting out a massive whoop. Josh stumbled backwards, dropping onto the floor and leaning against the side of his bed, a silly grin on his face. _We did it. I have the selfies._ His mood dampened a little bit when he realized that he had just smeared coconut oil all over part of his bedsheets. He stood back up, glancing at the oily spot on the bed, and decided that he needed to shower. _God bless Em, but also_ damn _this is a lot of coconut oil._ He made his way to the bathroom for his second shower of the day. Behind him his friends got to work transferring the photos from the camera to his phone, and also ordering the pizza that apparently he was buying. He smiled and shook his head as he shut the door behind him and started to undress.

“So which one are you going to send?” Ashley asked.  
Josh didn’t reply. All six of them had piled onto Josh’s bed--which was _definitely_ not made for six people, though on one glorious night they had once fit ten--and were watching over Josh’s shoulder as he swiped between the “selfies”. He was thoroughly impressed by each of them. They were all generally the same, just with a couple of minor differences, like where the focus was on his face or how light or dark the picture was, but that didn’t stop him from agonizing over which one he was going to send. After twenty minutes of him swiping back and forth and everyone giving their two cents on the matter, Josh finally settled on a photo.  
“I’m going with the third one. The background is a bit darker than the rest, and it has a slight dramatic edge from the contrast. Also my eyes look fantastic, and the gleam from the coconut oil isn’t overwhelming.” He nodded to himself as he spoke, looking over the photo that he had decided upon.  
“Send it!” Sam and Jess urged him at the same time. They exchanged a high five at their unintentional coordination.  
Suddenly Josh’s heart started beating a lot faster. He felt a bit of sweat appear on his forehead. _Fuck. That’s right. I have to actually send the selfie. Fuuuuck fuck fuck fuck fuck._ He chewed on the inside of his cheek. He was frozen in place, unable to do anything but stare at his phone.  
“Oh, come on, don’t wimp out on us now!” Ashley said, grabbing his arm and giving him a little shake.  
“If you don’t send it, I will,” said Emily. “I did _not_ spend my whole day slathering you in coconut oil for you to not follow through with this.”  
Josh swallowed. “I’m going to send it, guys, don’t worry. I just…” He took a deep breath, trying to force himself to calm down. There was a knot in his stomach. It wasn’t entirely unpleasant. “I just can’t believe that, after ten years, this is finally happening. I’m finally doing something about my feelings for Chris.” He set his jaw and opened the messages app on his phone. He selected Chris’s number--his name in Josh’s phone was “Cochise”--and pulled up the selfie. He moved to hit send, but then hesitated, his thumb hovering over the button.  
“ _Doooooooo iiiiiiiiiiit,_ ” Matt whispered. As if on some inaudible cue, all of Josh’s friends started chanting “Do it! Do it!” in unison.  
Josh screwed his eyes shut and hit the send button.

From: Josh Wash  
To: Cochise  
[img.42967]

He immediately dropped his phone in his lap, slapped his hands against his face, and fell backwards into Sam and Matt, yelling. Everyone else laughed, clapping him on his arms and legs and torso--anything that was within reach and reasonably appropriate for gentle hitting.  
“You did it!” Ashley squealed, worming her way around Jess to throw her arms around Josh in a tight hug. “You finally hit on my boyfriend!”  
At that, Josh laughed. “Yeah, you’re right--I did!” He turned and buried his face into Sam’s stomach. She patted his head. “Now I just have to wait for a reply,” Josh said, his voice muffled by Sam’s shirt. He froze. “Oh god, what if he doesn’t reply?”  
Jess snorted. “Psh, it’s Chris. He’s going to reply to _you_ , of all people.”  
Emily, who had leaned over Josh, staring down at his legs, looked up at him. “Wait, guys--he’s replied already.”  
Josh sat up so fast he almost threw every single other person off of the bed. He snatched up his phone and pulled it towards his face, but then decided halfway through that he wasn’t sure he wanted to see what Chris had said, and thrusted his hands away, holding the phone at arm’s length, the screen covered by his thumbs. “Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck! Guys I don’t know if I can look, I don’t know if I can read it, oh my god, guys. Guys. _Guys_.” He bit hard on his lip, looking to his friends for guidance.  
“Just read the damn message, Washington!” Sam cried, giving his shoulder a sharp slap.  
“Fuck, okay, okay!” He unlocked his phone. His conversation with Chris was already pulled up, since he hadn’t closed out of it after he sent the selfie. Josh let out a high-pitched whine and read the message.

From: Cochise  
To: Josh Wash  
Haha, nice, bro! Did you send that to me on accident?

Josh threw his phone across the room.

Five minutes later, the group had migrated to the kitchen. Jess had grabbed a couple of bottles of alcohol and was making mixed drinks for everyone. Josh laid slumped over the marble-topped island, lamenting his very existence while everyone else watched him and chatted and waited for the pizza to arrive.  
“He didn’t take the hint,” Josh groaned as Ashley consolingly rubbed his back. “I failed. I’m a failure. I sent him a shirtless selfie and he thought it was a mistake. He said ‘haha, nice, bro’. I’m a sham. I just lost my license to be gay. Now I have to start liking boobs and wearing shorts during the wintertime. Death is upon me. Spread my ashes at the Hollywood sign. I’ll see you all in the next life.”  
“Don’t be such a debbie downer,” said Jess as she poured drinks of a shocking hue into the cups lined up in front of her. “You just gotta keep trying.”  
“Jess is right,” added Ashley. “Chris can’t take a hint unless it’s in the form of a neon sign, and even then he’s likely to miss it. I had to ask him out in order to convince him I liked him. You can’t give up now. He may be a fool, but he has potential.”  
Josh just moaned in response. Jess handed him a drink and he sat up, frowning, and downed it in one go. Jess winced. “Oh, Josh. That was the equivalent of four shots.”  
Josh just wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and returned to his face-down-on-the-counter position. “I don’t care. Let the alcohol destroy me.”  
Jess rolled her eyes and moved off to give everyone else their drinks.  
At the dining room table, Sam’s phone buzzed. She dug it out of her back pocket and checked it.

From: MICHELANGELO  
To: Sam  
Did Josh order pizza??

Sam frowned. Why would Mike ask _her_ if _Josh_ ordered pizza? Of course, she knew the answer to his question, but still. She texted back:

From: Sam  
To: MICHELANGELO  
Technically Em did. We’re all over at Josh’s house. Why didn’t you ask Josh?

From: MICHELANGELO  
To: Sam  
I did, I sent him like 4 texts. He never answered.

Sam realized why.

From: Sam  
To: MICHELANGELO  
He doesn’t have his phone on him right now.

From: Sam  
To: MICHELANGELO  
Wait, how do you even know we ordered pizza in the first place?

From: MICHELANGELO  
To: Sam  
2nd job, remember? I’m a big bad delivery guy. My shift’s ending in 5 min, but I saw there’s an order 4 Josh’s house. Want me 2 take it & come crash the party?

Despite knowing the answer, Sam asked everyone if they wanted Mike to come join them. As soon as the words left her mouth, Emily, Jess, and Matt all yelled “YES”. Ashley nodded, and Josh just made a low strangled sound which she took as a yes.

From: Sam  
To: MICHELANGELO  
Come on over.

From: MICHELANGELO  
To: Sam  
Hell yeah. I’m on my way.

At the island, Josh rolled his head to one side so he could check the time. It was getting late. “Okay,” he said, “I know my parents are out of town, but last time I checked, my sisters still lived here. Has anybody heard from them?” Deep in his despair as he was, he couldn’t hold back his protective big brother instincts.  
Sam piped up from across the room. “Beth texted me a little bit ago. She and Hannah went out for ice cream and are going to the movies with some of Hannah’s teammates. They’ll be back later.”  
“Why did she text you that? She doesn’t know you’re here, does she?” Matt asked.  
“She was inviting me along,” Sam replied. “I told her I was here, helping Josh.”  
“You sacrificed your own gay bullshit for my gay bullshit,” Josh said, standing up and slinking to the table to sit beside Matt. “How kind of you.”  
“We have plans for tomorrow.” Sam shrugged, smiling just a little bit. Josh gave her a sidelong squinty-eyed look. Sam rolled her eyes. “Don’t worry, we’re going rock climbing.”  
He only squinted his eyes more. Sam laughed.  
Fifteen minutes later, the doorbell rang. Matt, Jess, and Emily all jumped up and rushed to get it. It took three minutes for them to return to the kitchen, Mike in tow. He walked in grinning, holding two large pizza boxes. “What’s up?” His eyes traveled from Sam, to Ashley, to Josh, who gave a pathetic wave, to the bottles of alcohol on the counter, then to the cups on the island and table. “Something happened today. What happened today?”  
Emily chuckled. “Oh, you have _got_ to hear the story behind all of this.” She took the pizzas from his hands and led him to the table.

They finished recounting the day’s events an hour--and two pizzas--later. Mike had requested to see the infamous dick pic--as any good friend would--and expressed his appreciation of Josh’s dick. He was absolutely floored to find out that Josh liked Chris. Then again, Mike had gaydar equivalent to that of a straight dead raccoon, despite having a boyfriend. He, too, assured Josh that Chris would come around and see what Josh was doing, and that he would react well. Josh only nodded. He was just a few steps past tipsy, and had laid down on the floor, thus prompting everyone else to join him.  
At around 1 AM, Hannah and Beth came home and found seven of their friends all sitting, slightly drunk, on their kitchen floor, and had the entire day’s story told to them, too. That night, the nine of them went through a good amount of Jess’s secret-recipe mixed drinks, and woke up in a pile with headaches that ranged from minor to splitting. Josh, being the most horribly hungover of them all, and the one who had suffered the most in the past twenty-four hours, got to shower first, despite having showered two times the previous day. He forgot to retrieve his phone from where he had thrown it, and it had died overnight. At 3:41 AM he had received a text message from Chris.

From: Cochise  
To: Josh Wash  
[img.25462]

It was a shirtless selfie.


End file.
